"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:18

Friday, March 29, 2013

Fear

Last night there was a referral.  Carrie texted me at 11:30.  That's how we roll.  It moved us to #4 on the list.....EXCITING, Right?  I was so excited when I went to bed last night.  I have been praying expectantly and specifically for the Lord to bring us a referral in June.  It has been written over and over and over in my journal.  It has been written on my heart.  And, I really believe this will and can happen.

But then, 4 am happened.  I woke up with my heart racing, panicked.  I couldn't breathe.  This has been such a long wait, yet all of a sudden it is happening so fast.  I am not ready.  I have books by my nightstand on attachment and bonding that have collected dust over the past 2 1/2 years.  Will I be a good mom to her?  Will she love us and our home?  Will we bond?  Will she sleep?  How will her brothers do?  What about her hair?  Can I do her hair?  Her room...her room isn't ready...Adoption fund?? How?  I immediately recognized this was Satan.  He hates adoption.  He is ready and willing to put the fear right into me.  I woke Joel up and told him I needed to go run at the gym.  It is 5 am and he thinks I am crazy.  I just needed to spend some time with the Lord without any distraction.  I listened to this song over and over and over.


You are good, You are goodWhen there's nothing good in meYou are love, You are loveOn display for all to seeYou are light, You are lightWhen the darkness closes inYou are hope, You are hopeYou have covered all my sin
You are peace, You are peaceWhen my fear is cripplingYou are true, You are trueEven in my wanderingYou are joy, You are joyYou're the reason that I singYou are life, You are life,In You death has lost its sting
Oh, I'm running to Your arms,I'm running to Your armsThe riches of Your loveWill always be enoughNothing compares to Your embraceLight of the world forever reign
You are more, You are moreThan my words will ever sayYou are Lord, You are LordAll creation will proclaimYou are here, You are hereIn Your presence I'm made wholeYou are God, You are GodOf all else I'm letting go
Oh, I'm running to Your armsI'm running to Your armsThe riches of Your loveWill always be enoughNothing compares to Your embraceLight of the world forever reign
My heart will singno other NameJesus, Jesus
Forever Reign by hillsong united.
I got home and started my BSF lesson and read this:
"God wrestled with Jacob to teach him that spiritual power comes only from God.  God does not fulfill His purposes "by might (status, possessions), by power (brains, plans, personality), but by His Spirit" (Zech 4:6) God's blessing depends only on God's mercy not on our desire or effort.  He most often chooses those who in some way are foolish, weak, lowly, or even despised so that not one of us may boast that we deserve God's blessing. "


Oh, yes!  The Lord knew.  He met me right where I was and knew exactly what I needed to hear.  I will not be a good momma to Annie because of my efforts, but by God's mercy.  He called me here.  He called me to adopt and I am many times foolish and weak.  But it is by His spirit.

So step aside, Satan.  I will not FEAR YOU!  My Lord was despised, betrayed, beaten so badly that he didn't even resemble a human, he carried his own cross and was hung.  He was crucified.  He died for me.  He died for all my imperfections, my lack of faith, my wandering.  You had a plan, Satan. But, my Lord. My Savior.  He was buried and three days later the tomb was empty.  He had RISEN!!  He had overcome death.  And He REIGNS VICTORIOUS!

2 comments:

Ang Gamble said...

What a great post Erica! You are such a strong woman and so inspirational. I love that Jesus did die for our sins and rose again and how this just seemed so appropriate for today and this weekend. I love your sweet soul friend.

Leigh Ann said...

This brought tears to my eyes. Amen! Continue to run into His arms! Annie will be running into yours soon!