Last night there was a referral. Carrie texted me at 11:30. That's how we roll. It moved us to #4 on the list.....EXCITING, Right? I was so excited when I went to bed last night. I have been praying expectantly and specifically for the Lord to bring us a referral in June. It has been written over and over and over in my journal. It has been written on my heart. And, I really believe this will and can happen.
But then, 4 am happened. I woke up with my heart racing, panicked. I couldn't breathe. This has been such a long wait, yet all of a sudden it is happening so fast. I am not ready. I have books by my nightstand on attachment and bonding that have collected dust over the past 2 1/2 years. Will I be a good mom to her? Will she love us and our home? Will we bond? Will she sleep? How will her brothers do? What about her hair? Can I do her hair? Her room...her room isn't ready...Adoption fund?? How? I immediately recognized this was Satan. He hates adoption. He is ready and willing to put the fear right into me. I woke Joel up and told him I needed to go run at the gym. It is 5 am and he thinks I am crazy. I just needed to spend some time with the Lord without any distraction. I listened to this song over and over and over.
Oh, yes! The Lord knew. He met me right where I was and knew exactly what I needed to hear. I will not be a good momma to Annie because of my efforts, but by God's mercy. He called me here. He called me to adopt and I am many times foolish and weak. But it is by His spirit.
So step aside, Satan. I will not FEAR YOU! My Lord was despised, betrayed, beaten so badly that he didn't even resemble a human, he carried his own cross and was hung. He was crucified. He died for me. He died for all my imperfections, my lack of faith, my wandering. You had a plan, Satan. But, my Lord. My Savior. He was buried and three days later the tomb was empty. He had RISEN!! He had overcome death. And He REIGNS VICTORIOUS!